Love Weakness, Ignore Strength

Love weakness and ignore strength. In other word, some people love to know and highlight more about someone’s weakness than highlighting and appreciating someone’s strength. And it is not only happened in one way. When people give others feedback, the feedback ONLY will be heard and appreciated more on weakness or things need to be improved while the strength or good things included in the feedback will be ignored by replying with only simple ‘thank you’ or silent smile.

I feel something is wrong here. In a regular meeting of Toastmasters, we heard feedbacks during speech evaluations and general evaluations that including language evaluations. How many of you leave your notebook blank and save your ink when it comes to “…the things I like the most about you are…”? But ONLY pick up your pen to write (read as “pay attention, feel like it is important, and want to remember”) when it comes to “… suggestions for improvement…”?

I witnessed several time, when people show me their blank notebooks or papers with dissatisfied faces, “I have no weakness that I need to improve?” when their evaluators ‘failed’ to spot their ‘weakness’. Not only evaluation by others, one day I was voluntarily giving feedback to someone, when I feel like I can offer him more than his speech evaluator gave him. I gave him three (3) things I like the most about his speech. However, after I finished and said ‘all the best for his future speeches’, he replied “aik? You only wanna say good things about my speech? No suggestion ha?”

I actually could leave the room since the meeting already over and go home as early as I can, no need to waste my time sharing my thought with him, right? Huh…!!!

Do you know, we are not paid to give evaluations in Toastmasters? And do you aware we spend a lot of time and attention to give our best in listening, digesting and give feedback to you? And do you know the meaning of word ‘grateful’?

I don’t feel this is wrong and feel hurt when comes to me giving evaluations; because I always have ‘weakness’ to offer in my feedbacks (the formal @ assigned evaluations). But I feel unhappy when I see my friends, Toastmasters family, don’t feel grateful when they received feedback, as I am, INCLUDING their strength highlighted by others.

When people give me feedback, I am not only jotting down the ‘weakness’ but also the strength. For me, it is MY ASSETS and who will appreciate your assets and gifts more than yourselves? 

When people highlight my strength or things I did well, I feel motivated and happy. And I always want to really remember and understand it, so (1) I know when and how I can use that strength again in future. And sometimes, the good things they appreciated were done without my intention. So telling me that kind of strength will be very helpful because then (2) I know, I will need to use the strength again. The more important thing for knowing our strength is, I then start thinking, how I could have that strength. Is it by practice? Someone told me to do so? Or from a reading? So then, (3) when I meet someone else in future that needs that same skill, I can offer him/her how I have that skill.

So, I appreciated people when they acknowledge things I did well. Not listening to them and act like I gain nothing, like ‘those’ people. I have no idea, how can I ignore all praises (pujian) given to me. And I have no idea how people can ignore all praises given to them too.

Please, be happy when your ‘weakness’ highlighted to help you stay hunger of improvement. At the same time, please be grateful when your strength and skill appreciated by others to help you stay hunger of giving to others. Toastmasters are humble, willing to serve for others and happy to improve themselves. We have no space for arrogant people.

~Ain Cantik~

A non-CC Toastmaster was Evaluating an Advanced Project

I love to tell my friends about any events in my life, to share the excitement, happiness, frustration or anger. However, we will not have a pair of ears every time we need, making me feel not so happy when I want to tell a story so much but I don't have extra ears other than mine. Luckily, I have a beautiful orange laptop (the color, not the smell or the shape hahaha), so I can write and people can read anytime they want. If there is anyone.

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I am a member of Toastmaster International club since last June, and I join a club in Johor Jaya. Now, since I am currently working in Duke University, Durham, North Carolina, I transfer my membership (temporarily) to PRATTically Speaking Toastmaster Club, here. (PRATT is the name of the faculty.. or building? eerrr..)

For those who are not familiar with Toastmaster International, ah ha....!!! I will tell you more later.. lalala... I don't read about Toastmaster before I join. I only heard its name twice, then I visited the meeting and experienced it by myself before knowing it 'theoretically'. What I can say, you will 'feel' it and decide you will join or not, not understanding it by words before coming to know it (I am creating an excuse for not giving the introduction about Toastmaster International hahaha). Okay, fine, you can visit www.toastmasters.org if you want to read before attending.

Or, wait for my next post entitled "Toastmaster Story from Me for a non-Toastmaster". Okay?

Now, back to the story, that I want to share, as a Toastmaster in Duke. Today, I took the speech evaluator role. I evaluated a speaker; a Professor while I am a girl who is struggling with my PhD. He was delivering an Advanced Project while I am still working on my basic speech projects (7 out of 10 from Competent Communication manual ; this is what I meant by 'A non-CC Toastmaster'). Enough evidences to show that he has more experiences in many aspects and I have enough reasons to feel more worry. Can you feel that? Can you feel that??!! Wuuuaaaa!!!!

At first I thought I will be dropped as an evaluator (here, members sign up to take a role online) because my first speaker (evaluatee) was sick, so she cannot attend the meeting. So I didn't think that I will evaluate the professor. But one hour before the meeting, I contacted the secretary of the club (because I receive an email from her, so it reminded me to ask), she told me that;

"Actually, you are more than qualified to do Zbigniew's evaluation!!  Since we are a new group, we still give feedback to more advanced speakers.  Even though we may not have the experience, we still have valuable information as a listener and can give them positive feedback and even words of improvement." Ah ha...! A very encouraging email.

Toastmasters always encourage, motivate and inspire others...

I only manage to find a beautiful sentence before the meeting as my preparation;

"Feedback is a breakfast for a champion" on the Toastmasters International website. Okay, that is beautiful enough for my speech evaluation. At least I have some preparation!

I arrived 5 minutes before the meeting, and my evaluatee still not there. I don't have his manual so... How can I know what I will evaluate...? Okay, take it easy, Ain... I sat and inhale as much oxygen as I can.

I managed to have his manual 10 minutes after the meeting was started. I cannot read with full concentration because people were talking. The president, the Toastmaster, the Word Master and the other speakers. Huh.. I started to prepared my table (two sections) on my notepad, one with a smiley, one with a sad face, to symbolize the good things and the need to be improved aspects. While keep reading maybe 30% from his manual, the 1st project of Technical Presentation.

I believe that the General Evaluator can feel how cold my hand was. Huhu..
When I was at the podium, "owh oh.. how can I give feedback for a professor!! an advanced project! Mommy!! Help!!!", I spoke to myself.

"I am so happy because madam General Evaluator pronounced my name perfectly!"

It was my first sentence. Then people laughed. And, yes, I felt better. (One important tips from my mentor, Ajan. Make the audience laugh)

I read the objectives of the speech to the audience.. Errr.. I believe, I am not sure how to pronounce few words. I think I wasted few seconds there. And I didn't greet. Zzz...

I gave my evaluation according to his speech. Starting from the title, the introduction, the objectives and the details in his speech. My mistake was....

I didn't choose what I will share and what I won't. So I keep talking 6-7 points written on my paper. Hahaha.. so greedy! I talked in chronological way. When suddenly I saw the orange card! From 4, I manage to tell only 2 suggestions. And... I was speaking for 4 minutes 13 seconds. The timer said, "this make you walk on the red carpet" ah ha...!

Actually, I was surprised. I thought it was 3 minutes and 30 seconds. hehe.. Yes, here, they don't have a bell to 'stopped' you. Only the red card @ lamp, like in a contest.

I was upset because I describe so much on one or two points, until I have no chance to share one interesting suggestion (at least, for me). It will be better if I have better English.. lalalala... Practice more, Ain! So I will not wasting time in thinking the words. I believe that I only need to choose less points @ strengths, not all I observed. Don't be so greedy. (For your information, this is my 2nd speech evaluation in my Toastmaster's journey)

And feedback from others?

1- Over the time limit... yes

2- I spoke fast... I always get this feedback. So some words were not clear.

3- I used present tense when it should be past tense.

4- only 4 uhm.. (time filler). yes! hehehe..

5- I used an interesting closing (hahaha, luckily I found that 40 minutes before the meeting) and I can see the professor smiled widely!!!

6- I was not judgemental and honest.. hehehehe.. *blushing* I used, "I feel... I think..." instead of, "we cannot see.. we feel bad.." or "you cannot.. it was bad.." (actually this is an email I received from the Mr President.. hee....)
7- One important point, I told that my evaluatee looked at his laptop's screen while talking to the audience at one particular time. I suggested that it is better if he talk (and look) to the audience first telling what he is going to do (he wanted to change a setting on the software : a demonstration) before facing the laptop. So, he will not lost the connection (eyes) with the audience. But I said "... so you will not lost one @ all" referring to the audience. Zzzz..

*I can share more about what he did that make me really impressed. But.. later lor... =p This post is not about his speech, but about my speech evaluation experience =D

Last but not least, I am happy!

Chinese New Year & My Chinese Friends

ATTENTION : I never write fully in English for this blog before. And I am trying now. So, don't laugh too much if you find any incorrect usages of English =p Smile, is okay ;)

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Enjoying the peaceful weekend at home is one of the best experiences in the world. And, how can I enjoy my weekends without logging in to Facebook while I have the high speed internet connection, right? So then I read many posts and saw many pictures, and of course, it was a big smile on my face, looking at very happy photos, of my friends. Hurm will you be excited uploading photos with sad or bad feelings? Most of the time, nope! :P At least, for me ;)

There were many posts about... wishing Happy Chinese New Year in Facebook. Yeah. While I write this, it is already the Chinese New Year, the year of dragon.. weeeheee!!! I was so excited looking at my Chinese friends' photos. With dishes, cookies, happy faces, beautiful decoration at houses and streets. Also one of the posts, telling that he is enjoying the firecrackers' sound! Then, I immediately updated my Facebook status,

ala.....!!! nak dengar bunyi mercun Chinese New Year jugak....!!!!!!

It means, I want to listen to the firecracker sounds for Chinese New Year too!!! Yeah, in Malaysia, it is normal to hear the firecrackers' sounds, for many festival. For me, firecracker = enjoyment!

Since now I have more Chinese friends, I can feel the festival more! (even online) But, lonely in my room, abroad (it is my 2nd week here in US), reading the wall posts in Facebook about Chinese New Year, reminds me to few chapters in my life. Including the first Chinese New Year surprise party that I involved in 2008.

It was in Warsaw, Poland. My first year of my Masters with course-mates that came from various background (Malaysia, Poland, Ethiopia, India, Pakistan, Philippines and China. It was the first time for all of the foreign students in our class going abroad (I think so), far from their homecountries. Celebrating 'Eidul Fitri overseas without family for the first time was not so bad, since I had 3 more Malay girls with me and we opened our room with foods for friends! But thinking about celebrating Chinese New Year alone for one of our friends, then we decided to make something memorable for her. Chinese New Year celebration for our lovely Chinese girl, Tina! And, we had fun!

We made the lantern from red papers. We asked everybody to wear red. We asked Tina's housemate (the Indian and Ethiopia boys) to let Tina stayed in her room. Then when we're ready.. Tadaaaa...!!!! 

You can see the decoration. The Malaysian girls (including me) and the Filipino girl (Pat) made them. Kat was also there, Pat's sister. All of us were so excited! Eerr.. in this photo I look very short, because I was bending my knee. (In fact, Faisal is tall).

Now, boys....! With girls' background. hahaha.. See, Faisal found the jersey to have red. And Damian??? Okay, sorry, forgot to remind you, Damian =P I think, Debu was taking this photo =) All of them learn to greet, GONG XI FA CHAI!

The next day, Tina cooked for us. Lovely! We even made the dumplings together! (my first time making them!) We're so excited and happy!!!! 

*Pat was holding the dough for dumplings. Ah ha.. eye mask!*

*Click for larger image. So then you can see all the dishes in Tina's room! And, yeah, Pat always busy until she cannot look at the camera. Hahaha.. Owh yeah, we had Natalia, from Spain. We met in Polish class*

Tina is one of my close Chinese friends. 

For me, a close friend is when you will share many things with them, including about feelings. About relationship. Hardship. Exciting moments. Play and eat together. Finish or uncompleted our homework together. (Muahaha...!) Like or hate someones together. It is easy to make friends but it is so much harder to forget a close friend. Someone who will cry, hugging you when you are going to leave. 

It is an amazing friendship. Living together only for one year in Warsaw, but I can sense the miracle. Tina is a very good close friend (I don't know what I am for here.. ah ha.. Do I care? hahaha)

 

*My first time ice-skating with Mai, Lala, Husni, Pat, Kat and TINA!*

I have more close friends, but for this time, I write a special post for Tina and my friends I met in Warsaw (also the Mai, Lala and Husni who were together with me going there from Malaysia). Just want to share, how beauty a friendship is.

And, to wish, HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR to all my Chinese friends! 

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Below, I list my Chinese friends. After typed for more that 800 words, I decided to delete it, because, I am afraid if I missed any names. But.. yeah.. I did not. I let this list be here, for those who really have free time to read =p

To all of my Chinese friends, Gong Xi Fa Chai! Wish you an amazing dragon year. All the best! Live with full of enjoyment and love! Muuuuuuaahhhhh!

1. My first Chinese friend in my life, Ker Li! My classmate during secondary school. She even made a free-of-charge Mandarin class for my friends and I. And from my secondary school also, I know Helena!
2. My Chinese course mates during my Bachelor study were Ah Woon, Lew, QQ.. always my group-mates for assignments. Few times, Ah Woon came in to the lecture hall with a helmet on his head haha..
3. Then in Poland, I have Tina as my friend, as mentioned before in this post.
4. During my second year of Masters study in Holland, I had Mourish, a genius Chinese guy who always helpful and skillful in the laboratory.
5. In Holand also, I met Kevin, from Taiwan. Can I categorize you as my Chinese friend also? Hehehe..  Who love numbers a lot, made I believe you more than others when we were travelling to St Gallen, Switzerland. (about train schedule, distances, maps..)
6. After coming back to UTM to work, I met Wong, a cute Chinese research officer. We enjoyed working together, eat together, gossiping together.. and sing!
7. I also have Dr Ei Leen, one of the UTM's lecturers. Having her in my group during the Kursus Induksi in UTM brought a lot of fun! She is sooooo cute! 
8. In the same course, same group, we had Dr Tan, who has many harmonica and played his harmonica for us too! 
9. Mr Lim, we enjoyed KFC together. I remember when he passed me the chicken wing I love. So sweet. hahaha.. We met and became friends after cooperating in motivational camps for students attending his tuition center.
10. Onn always a guy who is fun to talk with. I remember a serious discussion with him, about his opinion to human clonning.. the conclusion ".. buat apa penat-penat fikir pasal human clonning maaa...!!" hehehe...
11. Then my big group of Chinese friends, from Toastmasters International clubs! Names? Okay, take a deep breath Ain... deeper... start! :
1. Meng Hock, also a tutor in Physics department and we met in UTM's toastmasters meeting. A nerd and kind guy hehehe.
2. Tey, the president of Johor Jaya toastmasters club. I enjoy his motivational and inspiring speeches in every toastmasters meeting, and I am happy for introducing him to my friends, "My friend, Tey, is the author of this book.." while showing the Life Beyond the Comfort Zone. I am proud. hehehe..
3. Nikki, one of the lovely lady, not Lady Gaga, but Lady Nana. Love camera too, like me! Don't want to tell more, it is secret hahaha..
4. Terrance Gan, who is known as, handsome, young and energetic Terrance Gan! 
5. I love enjoying dinner with Timothy at the same table during the Toastmasters Convention in Melaka. Make me eat more without any guilty feelings :D
6. QJ, the cutest guy in our club. Even he told me that cute means a little ugly, I don't care, because it is not true for me..! Wrestling always remind me to him!
7. Andrew, the senior member of the club, his enthusiastic in doing his speeches always inspired me.
8. Alicia, what I can about her, she is pretty! Love seeing her face after Jackle comes! (Because she response to my exciting facial expression)
9. Haa.. Jackle is the new member of the club, and, yeah, I love enjoying beautiful creatures =P
10. Hui Shyan, she is cute! No wonder why people want to cubit you.
11. Soo Hia, always funny with her Laughter Yoga. My first speech evaluator in the club.
12. Terrance, another one Terrance, he was my hero when I lost the way for coming to the meeting place, by my own for the first time (I did my Project 1 that evening)
13. Charlotte, my Chinese kakak! The first sentence she said directly to me was... "sengal punya budak!" where we're stucked at a door. Then I realized, she is fun, not as fierce as her face when first I saw her. I become closer to her when I come to US,  she advised me many things for living abroad alone, including writing a recipe for me!
14. I met Eng Suan during my first visit in Johor Jaya Toastmasters club, at that time, I did not have any conversation with him because he looked like a very formal visitor with his toastmasters-uniform (daaaa~) but one thing I found at that evening was, he laughs sincerely! Like this, HAHAHAHAHA....!
15. Cindy has very sweet smile and I love listening to her, a softspoken lady, another one of my Chinese friend who inspired me very much in Toastmasters. My favorite speech of hers was about "How to Tackle Table Topics"
16. First time I met Yvonne, she was the general evaluator for the same meeting. She made me really lalalalala.. when she quoted my sentence, ".. I love discovering myself.." something like that. Wah! Make me always love to ask for her advice because I will feel like... flying... :D
    
17. Kit, the Toastmaster of The Evening when I delivered my Project 2 in Sacred Heart toastmasters club. She was so welcoming and nice. Cute. I love when she talks, especially when it is come to the humorous speech.
18. Benard, I only meet him once, when he evaluated my Project 2. He even called me before the meeting and advice me with guides. Thank you!

I met many more Chinese friends especially in Toastmasters events. I cannot name all for now. I hope, no bad-feeling for not listing all the names.  I know, even without me, you still really enjoy your Chinese new year maaa... heheheh..

Happy!! Happy!! Happy Chinese New Year! =)

Thanks for being my friends =)